I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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