it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
