someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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