I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
