if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
