my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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