I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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