Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
