I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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