If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
