dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
