Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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