I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
