I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
