Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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