Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
