i permit you to call me
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
