I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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