my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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