Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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