So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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