Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
