Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
