im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
