I think I can smell my own vagina right now
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I could fuck to npr.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
