omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
