This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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