just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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