i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
