this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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