"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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