Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
