I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
