just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
