he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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