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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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