u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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