i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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