I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
