Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
