Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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