so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
