it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
