I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
