I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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