How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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