Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
