i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
