The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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