Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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