Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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