My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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